I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
