just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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