you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
