remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
