1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
