I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sex in a hospital.. check
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
