I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
