we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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