2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
