Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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