Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am available for nakedness
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
