I'm drive I can fine osifer
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
