I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
