I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
