I want to walk on stilts...naked
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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