Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
