do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
