Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
