I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
