Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
