Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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