It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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