Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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