Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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