you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
