Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Watching her eat just hurts me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
