she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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