i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This toilet bowl is my home.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
