You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
