that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
