your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
