i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
