my mouth tastes like poor choices
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Found the puke drawer
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
