Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
