he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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