He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
