At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
