life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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