Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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