I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
me + whiskey = a bad person
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
