twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
