He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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