If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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