pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
