You smell like stripper and shame
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
No subtext here. People are naked.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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