Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
