I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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