So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Randomize
