Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
