Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
