Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
