I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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