I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
