youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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