The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
