I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
