hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
