If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
