the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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