You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
